Ted Williams Decapitated Head.

In August 2002, Ted Williams', a baseball player for the Boston Red Sox, had his head decapitated and cryogenically preserved shortly after his death. For reasons that I cannot fully imagine.

What I could imagine was the dialogue during the surgery. I wrote this, back then, to amuse some friends over on CIN. Keep in mind that the news articles stated that Williams' head was cracked 10 times, during surgery. No explanation of why...

Here it is...

CRACK (1)

Doctor 1: Shit. I've cracked his head here. Can I get some suction over here? Ah Christ, what a mess.

Doctor 2: What happened?

Doctor 1: I wasn't paying attention. Suction Please!

WET SUCKING NOISES ARE HEARD. EVENTUALLY THEY DRY OUT AND TURN OFF.

Doctor 1: That's better. Let me stitch this up. Number 2 needle, please.

5 minutes pass.

CRACK (2)

Doctor 1: Fuck.

Doctor 2: What?

Doctor 1: I cracked his head again.

Doctor 2: You've got to cut that out. What are you doing over there?

Doctor 1: Well, it's these damned Matheson Clamps. They aren't meant to hold a head for this long.

Doctor 2: Well, you should've shaved him pre-op.

Doctor 1: Everybody's a critic. Suction please.

WET SUCKING NOISES START AND THEN TRAIL OFF.

Doctor 1: Number 2 needle, please.

5 minutes pass

CRACK (3)

Doctor 1: Suction, please.

WET SUCKING. SUCKING STOPS.

Nurse: Number 2.

Doctor 1: Thank you.

5 minutes pass

CRACK! (4)

Doctor 1: Goddammit!

SOMETHING METAL IS THROWN DOWN ON THE FLOOR.

Doctor 1: What is this guy made out of, fucking faberge?

Doctor 2: Do you need a hand there?

Doctor 1: NO! No. I've got it under control. I just...this is not my day. Suction please.

WET SUCKING NOISES. SUCKING STOPS.

Doctor 1: I need a cigarette so badly right now.

Doctor 2: Do you want to take a break? I can take over until you return.

Doctor 1: No. No. I'd have to get undressed and then redressed and scrub up. I just want to finish this and get the Hell out of here. This is the last time. I'll be more careful. Number 2, please. Thank you.

15 more minutes pass.

Doctor 2: How's it going over there?

CRACK (5)

Doctor 2: Sorry.

Doctor 1: (muttering) Suction.

WET SUCKING NOISES, SOMETHING BRIEFLY STOPS UP THE SUCTION AND THEN IS PULLED AWAY OR GETS SUCKED UP THE TUBE.

Doctor: Um. Nevermind.

Nurse: Number 2, doctor.

Doctor 1: Thank you, Marcy.

5 minutes pass

CRACK! CRUNCH. CRACK (6 & 7)

Doctor 1: Heh heh heh. Well that was different. Heh heh heh.

Doctor 2: What did you do?

Doctor 1: I was trying to move him to...Oh Jesus. Heh heh heh. I am Mr. Butterfingers today. Heh heh heh.

Doctor 2: Can I take a look?

Doctor 1: Ha ha ha, sure. I...um...Ha ha ha.

Doctor 2: Holy Cow. You've really fucked this up here.

Doctor 1: Ha ha. I know! Ha ha ha ha! He looks like shit. HA HA HA HA!

Doctor 2: Wow.

Doctor 1: Yeah. Ha Ha. This day...ah God. This day started out so nice. Quick breakfast, standard decap followed by cryo and then off to lunch at Mendelson's with the wife. And now...I'm going to be here for hours. Ah ha ha ha!

Doctor 2: heh heh heh

Doctor 1: I know. I know. Ha ha ha

Doctor 2: heh heh heh

Doctor 1: I've got to pull myself together here.

Doctor 2: Hee Hee.

Doctor 1: Could you give me a hand here?

Doctor 2: Heh, sure. I mean, I couldn't do any worse.

CRACK (8 )

Doctor 1: HA HA HA HA!

Doctor 2: Whoops! HA HA HA HA!

Nurse: hee

Doctor 1: HA HA HA!

Doctor 2: Ha Ha. I get it now!

Doctor 1: Ha Ha. You see? It's like putting a...uh... model together without enough glue. Ha Ha Ha.

Doctor 2: Yeah, yeah. HA HA HA!

Nurse: Suction?

Doctor 1: No! No. Not yet. We gotta get all this shit back in there. Ah heh.

Doctor 2: Heh!

Doctor 1: Seriously. Let's just be serious for a minute here. Let's get this back together and then just suture it up and get it in cryo. Let's leave this mess for the future doctors to figure out.

Doctor 2: Okay, yes. Good idea. Can somebody swab my eyes, I am crying here. Thank you, Marcy.

10 minutes pass

Doctor 2: How many times did you crack this thing?

Doctor 1: I dunno. I lost count. Six or seven at least.

Nurse: 8 times doctor.

Doctor 1: 8 times? Are you serious? No way. More like six.

Doctor 2: I think it was more like seven.

Nurse: No no. Just before you came over here, he broke it twice. Two separate breaks. Two separate chunks.

Doctor 1: I count that as one.

Doctor 2: Sounds more like two to me.

Doctor 1: Fine, fine. It's eight. What do I care? Eight or Nine? What;s the difference? Either way he still looks like Frankenstien.

Doctor 2: The future Doctors are going to wonder what you did to this guy.

Doctor 1: Yeah. Ah heh heh heh.

Doctor 2: Don't start that again.

Doctor 1: Sorry.

CRACK! (9)

Doctor 2: Let's just get the cryo cooler over here and scoop this mess into it.

Doctor 1: Yeah, yeah. Good idea.

GENERAL SHUFFLING AROUND IS HEARD. SOMETHING IS DUMPED OUT ONTO THE FLOOR. WATER IS HEARD RUNNING. ICE DUMPED INTO WATER.

Doctor 2: You got it?

Doctor 1: Yeah, hurry.

Doctor 2: Marcy, get the bag.

Nurse: Here, doctor.

A BAG IS HEARD TO BE UN RUFFLED AND FLUFFED OUT. SOMETHING RESEMBLING BURGOO IS DOLLOPED INTO THE BAG.

Doctor 1: Christ.

Doctor 2: You dropped a piece.

Nurse: Here.

Doctor 1: Thank you, Marcy.

THE BAG IS HEARD TURNING AROUND SEVERAL TIMES AND THEN A PLASTIC SEAL IS SNAPPED INTO PLACE. SOMETHING IS SLAMMED INTO THE ICE WATER. THE COOLER IS SLAMMED SHUT. IT REPRESSURIZES. THREE LATCHES ARE HEARD TO BE LATCHED. HEAVY BREATHING IS HEARD.

2 minutes pass

Doctor 2: I'm going to write this one up as "Minor Complications."

Doctor 1: Good idea. Let's..uh...go.

Doctor 2: Sure. Sure. Marcy how about lunch on me? I hear they've got a nice burgoo down in the cafeteria today.

Nurse: Thank you, Doctor. I'd like that.

A DOOR OPENS AND THEN CLOSES.

1 minutes of silence and then...CRACK (10)